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  #61  
Old 02-16-2008, 08:50 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Three men approach St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"How did you die?" St. Peter asked the first man. The man replied, "I was walking down the street when this safe fell on my head."

"How did you die?" St. Peter asked the second man. The man replied, "I was sure that my wife was cheating on me. I came home and all the evidence was there. She was naked in the bed. There were two cigarettes smoldering in the ash tray. Pieces of men's clothing were scattered everywhere. I looked all over the house, but I couldn't find the bastard. I got so mad that I picked the safe and threw it out the window. The strain was too much and I had a heart attack."

"How did you die?" St. Peter asked the third man. The man replied, "I was sitting naked in this safe minding my own business ..."
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  #62  
Old 02-17-2008, 06:20 PM
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911: "Hello, this is 911. How can we help you?"

Man: "I was cleaning my gun. It went off. I shot my wife. I killed her!"

911: "Calm down, sir. Are you sure she's dead?"

Man: "I'll check."

Several seconds pass and a shot is heard.

Man: "OK. Now what?"
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  #63  
Old 02-17-2008, 07:45 PM
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After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position — two men and one woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said. “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent replies “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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  #64  
Old 02-28-2008, 01:48 PM
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A Somalian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the US. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says "Thank you, Mr. American, for giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says "I am not American, I am Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

The person puts up his hand and says "I am from the Middle East, I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"

She says "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her "Where are all the Americans?"

The lady checks her watch and says "Probably at work."
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  #65  
Old 06-01-2008, 02:32 AM
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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting - '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting -

'14....14....14'...
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  #66  
Old 06-01-2008, 03:43 PM
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This is not a joke!

I cant do a Thread! Very sad about that!

Happy Birthday Mistress Taylor. Keep going, you are the one ;)
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  #67  
Old 06-03-2008, 01:26 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician??






























Chelsea Clinton.
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  #68  
Old 06-03-2008, 07:04 PM
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"Oh, so Socks doesn't think that I'm hot, huh?"


"Not even when I'm standing next to some dweeb with curlier hair than mine?"


"After all, an Ice Queen, I'm not."


"I mean, seriously. Me, curly headed dweeb. Me, old geezer. Me, old geezer. Me, bald headed old geezer showing you his barren acres. Who's hot and who's not?"


"Me, old geezer drooling on his tie. Won't you reconsider, Socksy, baby?"
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  #69  
Old 06-04-2008, 01:16 AM
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Link:
Not interested in the joke. Just following the horn player around.
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  #70  
Old 06-04-2008, 01:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Link
"Oh, so Socks doesn't think that I'm hot, huh?"


"Not even when I'm standing next to some dweeb with curlier hair than mine?"


"After all, an Ice Queen, I'm not."


"I mean, seriously. Me, curly headed dweeb. Me, old geezer. Me, old geezer. Me, bald headed old geezer showing you his barren acres. Who's hot and who's not?"


"Me, old geezer drooling on his tie. Won't you reconsider, Socksy, baby?"
Now did I say she wasn't hot?

All I said was that she was the product of cross breeding a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician!

And besides... MY Hair is curlier than that!!

See: (I'm on a picture hanging on the wall behind Princess Lissa)



Bigger: http://www.lissawhipped.com/p40.png
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  #71  
Old 06-04-2008, 05:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sockratease
Now did I say she wasn't hot?

All I said was that she was the product of cross breeding a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician!
I know. I just wanted to take advantage of an opportunity to do a captioned-picture series joke. That angle seemed like a good one to play up.
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  #72  
Old 06-04-2008, 10:11 AM
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Sock:
There is a wall in that picture? I'll have to check it out again later, when I catch my breath.
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  #73  
Old 06-09-2008, 02:23 PM
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Finally the answer is clear...



BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me...



DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.



GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...


ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?


DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?


AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
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  #74  
Old 06-26-2008, 02:29 PM
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Blatantly Stolen from the Renderotica forums:


A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. They're a delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck. Bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
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  #75  
Old 06-27-2008, 01:12 AM
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Herbert Hoover:
The chicken crossed the road so he could be put in a pot.
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  #76  
Old 07-03-2008, 08:45 PM
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One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.
"The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship. "
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
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  #77  
Old 07-22-2008, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Mistress Taylor
Blonde Emergency

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the interstate one
> day
> so she eases
> it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully
> steps
> out of the
> car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men,
> unfolds them and
> stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming
> traffic. The
> lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing
> their
> nude bodies to
> approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic
> became
> snarled and
> backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car
> arrives.
> The officer,
> clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
> vehicle yelling,
> "What is going on here?"
> "My car broke down, officer", says
> the woman,
> calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene
> cardboard
> pictures doing
> here by the road?!", asks the officer.
>
> "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she
> replied

thats hilarious
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  #78  
Old 11-07-2008, 07:59 AM
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A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!'"
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  #79  
Old 12-06-2008, 02:57 AM
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A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
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  #80  
Old 01-24-2009, 03:13 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

A few for the windows based Computer users out there;

Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.

Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs !

And finally, a screenshot of moving some big animations off my hard drive:

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  #81  
Old 02-04-2009, 12:44 PM
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I was cleaning out old files, making room on the hard drive, and found this one (I forget if I posted it before and am too lazy to read back through the whole thread to see if I did).

So here it is (again?):






A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in
long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of
them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and
no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so
slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire,
he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,
















If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired !!!
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  #82  
Old 11-24-2009, 10:52 PM
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Q: Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft

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  #83  
Old 12-23-2009, 10:03 PM
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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

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Old 12-24-2009, 12:27 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

What happens to you at christmas?
Yule get presents and be merry!

or yule be broke and suicidal. LOLOLOLOLOLKHBVL:IYFG
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Old 12-27-2009, 11:05 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by MistressEris View Post
What happens to you at christmas?
Yule get presents and be merry!

or yule be broke and suicidal. LOLOLOLOLOLKHBVL:IYFG
Funny,

Sadly the only joke i know at the moment is my penis.
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Old 12-28-2009, 03:06 AM
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" Women are rational"...biggest joke of the year.

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Old 02-22-2010, 03:25 PM
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Quote:
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" Women are rational"...biggest joke of the year.
"You know what the fuck you're talking about." - An even Bigger Joke!!

You idiot.

Posting something like that in a forum like this...

Fuck you.
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Old 02-22-2010, 03:26 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Now - A REAL Joke!


What did the Zen Master say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

"Make me one with everything!"
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Old 02-22-2010, 11:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sockratease View Post
Now - A REAL Joke!


What did the Zen Master say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

"Make me one with everything!"
An old martial artist like me really understands that one.
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Old 03-07-2010, 08:48 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

how did the electron get to the cpu?
It took a BUS
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