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  #1  
Old 07-04-2007, 10:38 PM
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Default Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Blonde Emergency

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the interstate one
> day
> so she eases
> it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully
> steps
> out of the
> car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men,
> unfolds them and
> stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming
> traffic. The
> lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing
> their
> nude bodies to
> approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic
> became
> snarled and
> backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car
> arrives.
> The officer,
> clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
> vehicle yelling,
> "What is going on here?"
> "My car broke down, officer", says
> the woman,
> calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene
> cardboard
> pictures doing
> here by the road?!", asks the officer.
>
> "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she
> replied
>
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  #2  
Old 07-04-2007, 10:48 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions
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  #3  
Old 07-05-2007, 10:41 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

A woman caught the bus to go to work. Most of the seats were taken, so she sat next to a nice looking older man near the front.

She noticed that his shoulder would twitch uncontrollably every few moments. After a short while she asked him, "Is there something wrong"?

The man looked at her apologetically. "I'm sorry ma'am. You see, I fought in Vietnam. I was wounded, and now I can't control this."

"I see", she tells him, but she gets up and moves to another seat with a different man.

She noticed that his leg would spasm uncontrollably every few moments. She waited briefly, then asked him, "Is there something wrong"?

This man also looked at her with sorrow on his face. "Yes, ma'am. See, I fought in Vietnam. I took some shrapnel in my knee, and now it jerks about like it's got a mind of it's own. Terribly sorry to bother ya."

"I see", she was perplexed and moved to the last available seat, also with a man.

She noticed that his index finger was pointed straight out, and every few seconds his hand would swing forward from the wrist in a violent whipping motion. She waited nearly a minute then she asked him, "Did you get that in Vietnam"?

The man looked at her and scoffed, "Vietnam? Hell, I ain't never been to no Vietnam. No, ma'am. I got this in my nose. Now I'm trying to get it off my finger."
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Old 07-05-2007, 11:16 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

two eskimos were in their small boat when a terrible storm came up - they were freezing so they started a fire to keep warm - ended up sinking in the lake.

The Moral? You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Old 07-05-2007, 11:54 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes


So this guy who works at an aquarium gets summoned by his boss, who is looking very worried.

And she says to him "I've just been by the Dolphin Tanks, and they're feeling very amourous... They're doing all sorts of things to each other. And the trouble is; in less than an hour we've got three busloads of second graders coming. We can't have them watching those naughty dolphins behaving as if they're in a porno flick.

Now there's only one thing that acts as an anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins, and it's the meat of baby seagulls.

So I want you to go down to the Sea Shore, grab some baby seagulls, put them in this bag, and hurry on back.

But be carefull... A lion escaped from the zoo this morning, and although he was heavily sedated, he still just might be dangerous.

Now get going, and hurry on back!"

So the guy takes a shortcut through the forest to the sea shore, fills the bag with baby sea gulls, and he's walking back through the forest when he sees the lion! And it is lying across the path directly in front of him.

It's too late to run away. And the feline does seem very placid.

So, summoning up all his courage, he steps across the lion!

Nothing happens.

And so with much relief the guy begins to resume his journey when all of a sudden a Policeman jumps out of the forest, grabs the guy by the arm, and says to him "YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!!"

The guy can't believe it.

He says, "Tell me officer, What's the charge?"

And the Policeman says...



















Transporting young gulls Across a State lion for immoral porpoises!


And THAT is why I never started a Joke Thread here!
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  #6  
Old 07-05-2007, 09:13 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistress Taylor
Blonde Emergency

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the interstate one
> day
> so she eases
> it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully
> steps
> out of the
> car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men,
> unfolds them and
> stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming
> traffic. The
> lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing
> their
> nude bodies to
> approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic
> became
> snarled and
> backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car
> arrives.
> The officer,
> clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
> vehicle yelling,
> "What is going on here?"
> "My car broke down, officer", says
> the woman,
> calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene
> cardboard
> pictures doing
> here by the road?!", asks the officer.
>
> "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she
> replied
>
Well, Mistress Taylor, since You started with a blonde joke, here's another:

Two blondes in Oklahoma City are talking, and one says, "Which is closer, Florida or the Moon?" The other looks at her scornfully and replies, "Duh, the Moon, of course. Can you see Florida from here?"
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Old 07-05-2007, 10:04 PM
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Default Cute Blond Joke

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
She didn't want to waken the sleeping pills!


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  #8  
Old 07-05-2007, 10:56 PM
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Default Re: Cute Blond Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by bard
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
She didn't want to waken the sleeping pills!



That one was new to me.
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  #9  
Old 07-06-2007, 12:30 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in
long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of
them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and
no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so
slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by h er boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire,
he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,









If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired !!!
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Old 07-06-2007, 07:34 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Two penguins are sitting on an ice floe. One turms to the other and says,

"It looks like you are wearing a tuxedo."

The second one says,

"What makes you think I'm not?"
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Old 07-07-2007, 05:34 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

What did the elephant say to the naked man?Damn man how can you breathe through that thing?------Mike
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Old 07-07-2007, 07:53 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Jokes DON'T belong on this forum!!!!...this is serious stuff and joking around about female supremacy is so wrong and could be hazardous to your health and well being...
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Old 07-08-2007, 11:54 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes


What is one condition that asian people only get? answer: yellow fever


What do black people do at baseball games? answer: the weave

Where did the teacher send the mexican kid 2 answer the question?
answer: the boarder
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Old 07-08-2007, 06:09 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week
for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided
to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find
me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me
and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became
as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had
one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his
best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled
down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to
a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and
traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He
was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best
way to start."
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Old 07-08-2007, 06:15 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Quote:
Jokes DON'T belong on this forum!!!!...this is serious stuff and joking around about female supremacy is so wrong and could be hazardous to your health and well being...
Sorry Rat....but did you notice who started this thread? If Mistress Taylor wants jokes.....then jokes She shall have.
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Old 07-08-2007, 08:30 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes


If a baker is busy baking and needs 2 use the can, what kind of pie
will he make? answer: pee-can
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Old 07-09-2007, 09:01 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.

Another said, No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.

The last said, Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
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Old 07-09-2007, 10:36 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Three engineers were riding in a car when it suddenly stopped. The EE suggested that, based on the fact that it died quickly - it was an electrical problem and he should take a look. The Mechanical engineer claimed he heard metal scraping and it was most likely within the engine block and he should take a look. The software engineer said "whe don't we all just get out of the car and get back in again?"...

A SW engineer, and HW engineer and a program manager were walking down the street on their way to lunch when one of the them noticed a lamp in the alley - they picked it up and rubbed it and a genie popped out and said "Hey guys, you know the drill, three wishes - one a piece."
The SW engineer said "I'd like to be on a tropical island, fruity drink with umbrellas in my hand, surrounded by beautiful native women." POOF! He was gone.
The HW engineer said "I'd like to be on my Harley - warm morning sun on my face, riding through the rocky mountains with my girl on the back." POOF! He was gone.
Program manager said "I want both those bastards back at their desks at work immediately after lunch."
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Old 07-09-2007, 09:30 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

OK, a chemist, an artist and an engineer were having a discussion. The topic was, "Is it better to have a Mistress or a Wife?"

The Artist: Of course it is better to have a MIstress! There will always be an air of mystery and danger. You never know what will happen next!

The Engineer: No, no. You need a Wife because a solid foundation gives you the stability to build a life together!

The Chemist: Both.

Artist & Engineer: Both??? Are you mad????

Chemist: No, you need both. Each thinks you are with the other one so you can go back to the lab and get some work done...
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  #20  
Old 07-10-2007, 04:35 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Joke Comprehension

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070710/...prehension_age
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Old 07-12-2007, 09:57 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

What does a mechanical frog say?

Answer: Rivet Rivet
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  #22  
Old 07-13-2007, 02:02 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Why is Air a lot like Sex? --- It's no big deal unless you're not getting any!


Why don't Bunnies make noise when they are having sex? --- Because they have Cotton Balls!


What's the difference between a Porcupine and a BMW? --- A Porcupine has the Pricks on the Outside!


What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? --- Beer Nuts are often over a Dollar, while Deer Nuts are Always under a Buck!


Why do men find it difficult to maintain eye contact with a Woman? --- Breasts don't have eyes!



Enough dumb Riddles - More Dumb Jokes!




Two Priests were discussing the decline of Moral Values in the world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married" said one self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other, "What was her maiden name?"






In my life "Doggy Style" sex is when I Sit Up and Beg while She rolls over and plays dead.






Mickey Mouse stood before the Judge, waiting for the Verdict.

"Mickey Mouse; I cannot grant you a divorce as the court has found Minnie to be Mentally Competent." Proclaimed the Judge.


"But Your Honor," said Mickey, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy... I said she was Fucking Goofy!"
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  #23  
Old 07-13-2007, 05:21 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

One day a reporter for the Chicago Tribune was walking in the park and saw two kids throwing a football around. Suddenly he noticed a wild pitbull attack one of the kids, pinning it to the ground, as the dog was going for the kids throat his friend raced over and threw the football at the dogs head...the dog was startled and ran off from where it came.

The reporter ran to the kids and said "that was the most heroic thing I have ever seen I am a reporter and I am going to write a story about this, the headline will read "YOUNG BEARS FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM SAVAGE BEAST".
The young hero smiles and says "that would be cool mister, but I am not a Bears fan".

The reporter pauses and says "no problem how about YOUNG VIKING FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM SAVAGE BEAST"
The kid shakes his head and says, "sorry sir, I am not a Vikings fan either"

"Okay" the reporter asked, startled, "who do you cheer for?"

The kids answers proudly "I am a Packers fan"

The reporter pauses again and holding his hand out "Little Cheesehead Bastard Attacks Beloved Family Pet."
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Old 07-13-2007, 05:21 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Riddle:
Q: What does Paris Hilton and a Tampon have in common?

A: They are both stuck up cunts.
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Old 07-13-2007, 06:46 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Hockeysub:
If it is Paris' cunt, then:

A: Herpes!
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Old 07-13-2007, 08:11 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

Ole and the Hooker

Ole is walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman
in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when
all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Well," says Ole, "I didn't either, 'til you shined that damn light in
her face."
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Old 07-13-2007, 10:13 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

One for the golfers in the group


man went for a golf lesson. The pro watched his swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"Well, what should I do?" asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW! He hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asked the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP! The ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.
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Old 07-14-2007, 06:10 AM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

This guy is outside mowing his lawn. He notices the new hot blonde next door go out to her mailbox, check it, and go back inside. 10 mintutes later, it happens again-she seems a little irritated. 5 minutes later, she goes out again, this time slamming the mailbox shut. "Hey wait, what is wrong?" he says.
"I am having a bad day" she replies. "I have work to do on my computer, but the breaker on the electrical system keeps turning it off. Then, when I reset it and start to get back to work, the fucking computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."
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Old 07-16-2007, 11:04 PM
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Default Re: Joke Thread: Post all Jokes

To riff on another forum topic:

What is the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will sleep with anyone.

A bitch will sleep with anyone except me!
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Old 11-24-2007, 08:30 PM
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Default Therapists for domme/slave relationships?

Are their any therapists who can mediate a troubled relationship? Could it ever be a 50-50 relationship?
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